A struggle but keeping it real...

This post is....well...pretty deep and hella long. Maybe it's just for me to vent...so feel free to ignore. Heh.

TW: depression, racism, assault/rape . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm 31, going on 32 years old this year and I'm finally seeing a therapist. There's a lot....of unhandled shit from my teen years that I'm finally dealing with. A lot. And it has negatively impacted me and my family even though I've tried to cope on my own. But finally I felt I was ready to tackle this head on and as my therapist said, maybe I just wasn't ready despite what outside opinions were.

So I went to see Margaret at the beginning of this year and for the first time.....I fully told in complete to someone other than my husband how an 18/19 year old man did what he wanted with me from the age of 14 to almost 16. I cried....I hyperventilated.....I told her how this was a man from my church and how I have a negative view on certain denominations now. I was told it couldn't have been him...or how he's such a good boy....or shit like that. I never told my mom because I know her....she'd had gone to jail. To this day I still haven't told her because he's now a doctor in that town and he's one of the reason I rarely want to go back home. I know if she knew....she'd lose it on him, even after all these years. However its been a growing process but all these other things are starting to pop up that I've never come to terms with.

I thought that this move was going to be great. I really did. Instead I feel even more isolated than I did before. This town claims diversity but almost every day in some way I deal with microaggressions or racism and it's sickening. I rushed my way out of high school to get out of the town I grew up in to get away from shit like that. I fought hard to go against so much crap to get out and now I'm right back in it.....back to the garbage I've fought so hard to escape from. I finally cried and told Aaron I gave it a year and I'm miserable. His mom and him don't seem to get it....and I just went off. I launched into how I've been asked so many time if I'm the nanny, or if I work for Aaron, or 'how lucky I was to marry up'. I've met some amazing people here in this town who have been nothing but kind and I hope that our friendships grow....but the bad is outweighing the good.

I want to do more stuff outside of this town but it's hard when you don't have a car and still fighting with insurance companies that won't pay up for totaling your car. I'm tired of trying to share a car when I can and can't get to places further out like I want. I want to go to Raleigh more.....I want to go to the beach....I just....I'm over it. I want to do stuff for me without feeling like I'm bound by another person's whim. I know part of my isolation is also my own fault (anxiety, depression) but not having a reliable means just feels even worse.

All this is also making me more and more realize I miss Mary. May is cool but Mary was/is always a nerd, cosplayed her heart out, and loves her nerdlesque. That's why I made the decision to focus mainly on nerdlesque as a performer and if that means I perform less.....? Oh well. Quality over quantity for me when it comes to creating new stuff; with two little ones running around...I can only dedicate so much time to certain things. I'm slowly getting myself back into the cosplay world and to be honest....I'm okay with that. It feels like starting over but I think I'm okay with that. Wanting to perform 90% nerdlesque? I'm okay with what that's going to entail. I've had people tell me 'well that's limiting yourself' and all that. Well....I can still do classic....I will do it....but I want to go back to what I love doing. Don't knock me for wanting to do what I love doing. Also....my kids are getting older and starting to do their own stuff....this allows me to pick what I want to do even more so and make time for them for their soccer, music, and whatever else. Hell #BH1 wants me to make him more costumes so he can cosplay with mommy...and I'm here for it.

I feel like I was just rambling but it feels so much better to get it out there. I'm slowly taking steps to get to where I want to. I'm starting ballet next week to do something more regular....that's not here. My challenge to myself is to at least try to continue creating cosplay, continue to nurture the friendships I have made, find things to do outside of Sanford to keep me from being so down, and just look forward to when we can buy something close enough to Aaron's work (which don't get me started on that BS) but not with as much blatant bs.

Thank you to everyone that has reached out to me. It means so much. It's hard to speak up and reach out but I'm getting better. <3


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