2019 is less that two months away and needless to say....I'm so glad. This year was a serious transition for my family and I.....and I focused so much on them. I wanted to make sure my better half was good, the mother in law was happy, and that Baby Hemmers 1 and 2 were adjusting well.
However that took a toll on me. I was losing who I was and had been for a long time. Let's be real...uprooting your entire life from a place like New Orleans and moving to a cool but much different small town in North Carolina is a huge culture shock. I was worried about Mr. Hemmer.....Mr. Hemmer's mom....and the kids but never myself. Long story short: self care was not a thing on my list of things to do.
The year has continued on and finally Mr. Hemmer was pushing me to take care of me. One of the main reasons we moved was for my health. I was in and out of hospitals / urgent cares...and no one down home had an answer. Another thing he was concerned about was past traumas I never had worked through from when I was young. His goal? Get me healthy. And needless to say he did. I found out 90% of my problem was due to scoliosis. SCOLIOSIS!! I am 31 years old and I was just finding out that it was my back causing all of the problems. Thank goodness that was sorted out.
There was more...much more. I felt lost as to what I was doing with my life. What do I want to do when I grow up? I've been performing as a burlesque dancer for years now and I was starting to feel empty. Was I burning out? Was I losing my touch as a performer? Am I like Stella and have yet to get my groove back?
In fact it was a super simple reason: I was depressed. I had lost my creative drive and just couldn't seem to get it back. I was enjoying when I was on stage but it was feeling empty. I had started my process of working through childhood and young adult traumas and started to realize I just wasn't happy with what I was doing. Performing still made me happy and I still gave 110% on stage but besides that it was...missing something.
Then it hit me! I started to return to going to comic cons...joined a couple of cosplay non profits....started cosplaying again and that's when it hit me. That's what I was missing. THAT is what was going on. I miss my roots. I miss my costuming. When I performed my nerdlesque numbers I felt as if I was flying! It had dawned on me that I miss....Mary. May is great and all that but Mary was lost. How can I bring her back? How can I make Mary and May all in one and get back to my stage life in a healthier and more productive way? How can I do something that even my children can benefit from all the while fulfilling my soul?
Long story short, yes I will still be performing. I will not be retiring or whatever it is. Instead I'm going to focus on my nerdlesque a bit more in conjunction with cosplaying again. It was my first love and I smothered it. I will still travel but do stuff that I feel more compelled and creative with. No...I won't stop my classic performances but I will create more things that speak to me. For too long I let others in the past stifle my creativity and what can 'get you booked' or what is 'acceptable' and I had worked past that. This is the last step on that journey and I can say I'm even more excited.
So let's do this! Cosplay....nerdlesque....I'm coming back!